With Christmas literally just around the corner, I want to make a post about the thing that means so much to me that I can't even justify it in words, but I'll damn well try my hardest.
2011 has been a rough year. So many things have happened that will change my life in the future, mostly for the worse. Loved ones passing away, personal illness, friends moving away and so on. Heck, it wouldn't be far-fetched to call this the worst year of my life. Yet, looking back at it all, there was barely a period of time that I didn't have a smile on my face. I laughed through any pain, kept a straight posture and took everything life had to throw at me with ease. This isn't personal strength that I was born with, I was a huge wimp maybe just 6 years ago, living life by avoiding pain and keeping to myself. I would sit at home, play MMO's and essentially live my life in another world. Needless to say back then I was never truly happy, I couldn't accept everything that was put on me, I was afraid of returning to school after taking so much time off sick. How would I make friends? Would I be bullied? How far behind am I in life and how much extra effort would I need to put in? It wasn't long before I realized just how far gone I was from life.
My parents have always been there for me. You could call them my best friends, but even they didn't know how I felt most of the time. While I feel like I could rely on them for anything, my feelings were so held back at this point that even they didn't know anything about me. I had so much held back inside of me, so many feelings imprisoned within my mind that I personally took responsibility and action for, that I became insanely self-reliant. I didn't want to bring anybody down with me, I wanted to see everybody else smile and even to this day, if somebody is unhappy then I will go out of my way to make sure I see them smile.
Now I'm sure you're expecting a good story as to how I made my friends. Honestly, it was very simple, I'm not even bloody sure what happened. Around the end of my 9th year at school, I began returning, but staying to myself, hiding in the confines of the learning support building. My previous best friend had left for another country and I felt completely isolated. But I was beginning to have enough. Before I knew it, I found a group of people that I felt really comfortable around. They weren't much different to me, it was essentially the nerd group of school, a group of people I could enjoy playing video games with. Eventually they became the people I could rely on for anything, and they still are to this day. Before I knew it, my spirits had rose, my mind was taken off of all the bad and I had something to really live for.
Ever since then, I've made new friends. I've kept everyone as a tightly knit group by hosting a night in at my house every week where we could all play video games, talk about life and genuinely have a good time. Seeing everybody smile and laugh together was my goal, and my achievement. I wanted to bring everybody I knew together, and anybody who I met would become involved and suddenly I had a room full of 8+ people once per week. We'd play Smash Bros. on the gamecube/Wii and argue over who gets the next go. It was all in good fun. My life was on a grand upward spiral from what it once was. These people saved me from possibly hitting a complete dead end in my life. I don't make it clear very often, but I really hope they know how much they mean to me.
2008 came, and with it came a pretty big reality check. I knew something wasn't right as the year started. I was tired almost all the time, I couldn't handle having people around anymore. As my skin slowly started to turn yellow and became more and more itchy, I realized what was happening and what it meant. I was seriously ill. But hold the phone! I wasn't sad, I wasn't scared... Unlike previous times, I had something to live for. The battle to recover from something that was life-threatening became more of a battle to see my friends again. This is the strength that my friends had unknowingly built up inside of me over the past few years. Constant text messages from my hospital bed and hearing their voices on the phone made me so happy. About a month passed and I was ready to start going out and seeing people again, and did just that. Although I had to leave sixth form, I was given permission to go in and visit whenever I wanted.
The next year began and I decided to give sixth form another shot. It didn't last long, I simply felt no desire to continue my education in such a way and decided that college was the way to go. However, my second year of sixth form was not a waste. The few months I spent there again took an unexpected turn when I made a new friend, somebody who I always tell how much she means to me, but I don't think she quite knows how much I mean it. Countless graphics and art classes talking and learning about her and the person she is. Well hopefully if she reads this, she'll realize that she is no small part of my life and that even as a latecomer, seeing her smile means more than she could possibly know. Also, stop feeling unreliable all the time.
What can I say? there isn't much more to say. This gives a pretty clear indication of what the most important thing in my life is. This is something I really wanted to write this Christmas. Next year I'll be 21 and I'm in the process of making very important life decisions. This wasn't written because I want sympathy or consolation. This was written to make others feel happy about what they've done for me. I want everybody to wear a great, big smile this Christmas and to look forward to the year ahead. That's the greatest present you could give to me, one that means more than any material good possibly ever could do. So here's to my friends and family.
2011 has been a rough year. So many things have happened that will change my life in the future, mostly for the worse. Loved ones passing away, personal illness, friends moving away and so on. Heck, it wouldn't be far-fetched to call this the worst year of my life. Yet, looking back at it all, there was barely a period of time that I didn't have a smile on my face. I laughed through any pain, kept a straight posture and took everything life had to throw at me with ease. This isn't personal strength that I was born with, I was a huge wimp maybe just 6 years ago, living life by avoiding pain and keeping to myself. I would sit at home, play MMO's and essentially live my life in another world. Needless to say back then I was never truly happy, I couldn't accept everything that was put on me, I was afraid of returning to school after taking so much time off sick. How would I make friends? Would I be bullied? How far behind am I in life and how much extra effort would I need to put in? It wasn't long before I realized just how far gone I was from life.
My parents have always been there for me. You could call them my best friends, but even they didn't know how I felt most of the time. While I feel like I could rely on them for anything, my feelings were so held back at this point that even they didn't know anything about me. I had so much held back inside of me, so many feelings imprisoned within my mind that I personally took responsibility and action for, that I became insanely self-reliant. I didn't want to bring anybody down with me, I wanted to see everybody else smile and even to this day, if somebody is unhappy then I will go out of my way to make sure I see them smile.
Now I'm sure you're expecting a good story as to how I made my friends. Honestly, it was very simple, I'm not even bloody sure what happened. Around the end of my 9th year at school, I began returning, but staying to myself, hiding in the confines of the learning support building. My previous best friend had left for another country and I felt completely isolated. But I was beginning to have enough. Before I knew it, I found a group of people that I felt really comfortable around. They weren't much different to me, it was essentially the nerd group of school, a group of people I could enjoy playing video games with. Eventually they became the people I could rely on for anything, and they still are to this day. Before I knew it, my spirits had rose, my mind was taken off of all the bad and I had something to really live for.
Ever since then, I've made new friends. I've kept everyone as a tightly knit group by hosting a night in at my house every week where we could all play video games, talk about life and genuinely have a good time. Seeing everybody smile and laugh together was my goal, and my achievement. I wanted to bring everybody I knew together, and anybody who I met would become involved and suddenly I had a room full of 8+ people once per week. We'd play Smash Bros. on the gamecube/Wii and argue over who gets the next go. It was all in good fun. My life was on a grand upward spiral from what it once was. These people saved me from possibly hitting a complete dead end in my life. I don't make it clear very often, but I really hope they know how much they mean to me.
2008 came, and with it came a pretty big reality check. I knew something wasn't right as the year started. I was tired almost all the time, I couldn't handle having people around anymore. As my skin slowly started to turn yellow and became more and more itchy, I realized what was happening and what it meant. I was seriously ill. But hold the phone! I wasn't sad, I wasn't scared... Unlike previous times, I had something to live for. The battle to recover from something that was life-threatening became more of a battle to see my friends again. This is the strength that my friends had unknowingly built up inside of me over the past few years. Constant text messages from my hospital bed and hearing their voices on the phone made me so happy. About a month passed and I was ready to start going out and seeing people again, and did just that. Although I had to leave sixth form, I was given permission to go in and visit whenever I wanted.
The next year began and I decided to give sixth form another shot. It didn't last long, I simply felt no desire to continue my education in such a way and decided that college was the way to go. However, my second year of sixth form was not a waste. The few months I spent there again took an unexpected turn when I made a new friend, somebody who I always tell how much she means to me, but I don't think she quite knows how much I mean it. Countless graphics and art classes talking and learning about her and the person she is. Well hopefully if she reads this, she'll realize that she is no small part of my life and that even as a latecomer, seeing her smile means more than she could possibly know. Also, stop feeling unreliable all the time.
What can I say? there isn't much more to say. This gives a pretty clear indication of what the most important thing in my life is. This is something I really wanted to write this Christmas. Next year I'll be 21 and I'm in the process of making very important life decisions. This wasn't written because I want sympathy or consolation. This was written to make others feel happy about what they've done for me. I want everybody to wear a great, big smile this Christmas and to look forward to the year ahead. That's the greatest present you could give to me, one that means more than any material good possibly ever could do. So here's to my friends and family.
Hope she reads this one day.
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